It has been some time that I have been updating you guys.. I have been traveling a lot and also reflecting a lot about life and the future. This post will be different from my other posts but I will be sharing my normal posts weekly again, so stay tuned.
I suppose I just wanted to share more about myself and maybe even vent. Of course I live this life that people think is 'perfect', when really that is not the case. I feel blessed and thankful everyday for this life and being able to have this as my job but it also comes with its challenges and pressure and just like everyone else, I have my insecurities and suffer from anxiety. Some times anxiety so bad that I am trying to stretch out gasping for air and feeling suffocated by own negative thoughts and worries. It is something that maybe even my friends don't know because I choose to suffer in silence and keep all my worries to myself. I know this is common but people don't share these things, scared of what others will think, that they will judge.
Something I hear often that bothers me is people assume I was a child that came from wealth and this life I live is undeserved. My family was not wealthy. After the age of 10, we were on Welfare and by the age of 16-17 I was kicked out and living on my own and struggled to get by, I had to drop out of High school to keep my head above water as a receptionist at a telecom company because I did not have the financial support from my parents and had a very toxic relationship with my mother. The relationship with my mother is something that can never be fixed unfortunately and I wake up screaming from night terrors about my past. The hardest thing is probably also the most beautiful thing but my heart aches when I see a happy mother and daughter enjoy each others company and see a mother support their daughter and I just cant help but envy their relationship. It also runs through my mind, was I a bad daughter? What did I do to make my mother resent me? Why did my mother choose men over her children? These questions make my stomach turn and I only feel guilt like all of it was my fault.
But back to the career topic.. I never planned to be a blogger, I was in a really bad place in my life and this was my escape, Beauty and Fashion had always been my escape. I remember in Elementary school every night staying awake until 4 in the morning, perfecting eye liner and big curls I would make with my straightener. I did not have friends during school so this kept my mind somewhat occupied.
With all the support, positivity and love I do receive on a daily basis, (which I am thankful for) I am so used to being told I am not good enough or I need to try harder and so when I see negativity, it just gets to right me away because I hear the voices in my head repeating what my mother and girls in high school would say to me. I know it seems silly and like a pity party but these aren't my everyday thoughts. Of course I have really great days or even sometimes a month streak of positivity but then at some point the negativity finds its way in. When this happens, I try to relax myself with simple things.. a bath, a hot cup of chamomile tea, watch either Big Bang Theory or Family Guy, sometimes all you need is some melatonin and to climb into bed and shut the world out and wake up to a fresh new day. (Mind you, this should not be everyday, trust me)
Well, here were some deep thoughts of mine so thank you for reading and listening. Honestly, genuinely it means the world to me. If you have anxiety or suffer from similar feelings, let me know how you deal with it and how you relax yourself when your mind starts to wander to dark places.